I recently finished a “discussion” with a loved one, at the end of which nothing had been resolved. We hugged–we weren’t angry, but we just hadn’t come to a place where we both could nod our heads in complete understanding of the other.
Don’t you always want things to turn out right? To just get the other person’s heart and have them look in your eyes, untroubled, knowing that you care for them so deeply that you will always strive to understand them? I haven’t given up on the conversation, we’re just taking a break for now.
Healthy, worthwhile relationships require a lot of time, grace, and patience. They need room to breathe, to come together, and the ability of both people to listen with their whole hearts. It’s easy to each have a bit of a defensive attitude going on–both thinking we’re probably in the right right. And we might be, but we’re also probably a bit wrong.
We might love the days when we swing along, talking and listening and feeling the deep sense of satisfaction that comes with good two-way conversation. And we don’t love the days when we look at our friend or significant other and wonder where all the magic went and why they are behaving so differently. But don’t we do it just as often?
For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the passage in Matthew where Jesus talked about judging. And how often I am secretly guilty of this.
Matthew 7:1-7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
As we gear up for another messy, beautiful week on this earth, let’s listen so much more than we talk. Let’s be kinder than we usually are. I recently heard Lady Gaga speaking to Oprah about how kindness is her mission in life and how kindness and love are what everyone needs.
If you actually love the person you’re discussing/arguing/having a conversation with, look them in the eye, watch their body language, and ask yourself what are they really saying. Give them kindness, give them grace, show them the love that’s in your heart. When it doesn’t work the first time, step back with your hot and hurt feelings and breathe. Reflect on how it could go better next time, and be willing to sit back down at the table with them another day. These are the words I’m telling my own heart, and the challenge I’m giving myself this week.
And, the book on listening that I am recommending to everyone this year is You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters by Kate Murphy. I read the ARC for Celadon Books toward the end of last year and realized how bad of a listener I really was! What a wake-up call to pay more attention, to soften my heart, to stop trying to get a word in edgewise, to quit assuming I know what someone is going to say next, and to learn much for what others have to say. (There are some podcast hosts that really need this book! And if I ever start a podcast, I will be re-reading this even more often. This book will help you in your real life with your partner or spouse, your kids, your friends, your co-workers, your parents, etc.
Until next time, friends! Have a good week–yes, even in the middle of January! Enjoy the slower pace, the light, the coziness of winter evenings, the opportunity to play a card game or board game with people you love while the snow whips wildly across the fields, or streets…